On the closing months of 2019 I decided to take a rest from sexwork due to a mix of personal issues, wanting to rebrand in order to restart in London with a better presence and a bit of a burnout from living in Barcelona. I had enough savings to get me through several months and to pay for the move, so there I went.

Breaks are a good thing to take from time to time, not because I think the job is bad but because I put so much energy and emotional labour into it. Every year I get more intimate and make it more personal. When I started I could see “anyone” and perform almost “anything” for money, except the clear red lines. Money is money, and a job is a job, right?. Well, that idea has changed since then and now I work differently.

I went to the UK, settled myself in a small house outside London and started to fix my website. Surely in a few weeks I’d be working as normal. I was already eager to start!

And then, a virus hit the world.

Since I had my savings and by then it looked like it would be a matter of one or two months I could certainly wait, paint more, relax and just stay at home until it ended and I could go back to work again. I saw colleagues quickly turning online to places like OF or AVN in order to make a living. I didn’t like the idea and seemed like a lot of work so I just thought that putting those hours in my small business would surely help growing it.

I did have some webcam experience in the past but I don’t think it could account to anything since it was only three months, I was very new and inexperienced at sexwork, didn’t enjoy it and just thought that it wasn’t for me. Well, I was right. I don’t enjoy online sexwork and it hurts me more than it helps.

Eventually I just gave up the thought that I could be back to work in a few months and decided to create an account on AVN. I refused to use OnlyFans as they have been savagely anti-sexworkers, deplatforming them and stealing their earnings just because they dared to offer in-person meetings, even if it was not on their site. On top of that they had tons of reports for problems with payments and it felt like a very risky choice.

So the time of transitioning to online sexwork started for me and I thought about what could I bring to the table amidst a pandemic having heavily multiplied the online presence of everyone. With a saturated market, I should offer something unique and different… right? I have always loved niche markets.

There I went, with my naked reading videos, painting, talking, playing silly… Some of you already know me, I like to have fun and love what I do, whatever it is, else I couldn’t do it. But I didn’t realise I had gotten so personal over my work throughout the years and that was not helping here. More on that later.

The first week I was excited, I recorded plenty of things, did photo sessions with my new selfie stick, loved the result, uploaded everything and went onto marketing it on my Twitter. Got a few subscribers, sent some free trials to clients who had helped me already, etcetera.

It went well until it exploded. After my third session of recording I had a meltdown. I couldn’t bear with it anymore. I couldn’t even market that new content I had made that day (it’s still there untouched, unpublished). I decided it was time to quit something I hadn’t been liking all along, and I already knew that time was going to eventually come.

At the start of this post I mentioned that every year I get more intimate and make it more personal, so this was actually the problem. I don’t want to imply that online work is cold, because it’s different for every person who does it, and some people can find warmness in it, but I don’t. I can’t.

What I love from dating in person is that I get to see people’s faces the moment we talk about or do something they like, or during sex. I get to see real life reactions, interact with that, work with that. I get to know people when they’re vulnerable, intimate, real, themselves. And I love that.

When I got subscribers to my online work (don’t get me wrong, I thank a lot each of them) I couldn’t feel that. I did know some of them in person already, but about the rest, I hadn’t a clue of who they were, what things they liked, what reactions would they have to my content. It was like if I was acting inside one of those rooms with a mirror that can be seen from the other side, but you can’t see through them who’s looking at you and how they react. It felt cold, impersonal. I simply couldn’t “connect” and I base all my work on the connections I can make with the people I meet.

All this was damaging my mental stability and self-esteem. It had to stop and I knew it. I started moving around old contacts and got a little gig that could keep me up for these months, and then stopped updating my AVN. I didn’t market it further on Twitter, sent apology letters to subscribers, offered to email them the unpublished content unedited in bulk and we called it quits. I still feel bad for being “unprofessional” for not being able to continue a project I started, but I think my mental health goes first.

Ironically, when I went to cash in my little earnings my bank refused to take the payment so I’m glad I did the change because if I had decided to continue I wouldn’t have earned money that month after all the mental work I needed to put there and that would have made things severely worse.

I’m still on Twitter as always, I’ll be still uploading my usual selfies and such and waiting for the pandemic to ease a lot in order to work again in the way I do enjoy to work. But I’m happy that I could experience different things, learn that they are not for me and have an increased appreciation for all the effort that sexworkers put into going online. It’s a ton of work, it doesn’t look like it is from the outside and I’m sick of hearing “all you have to do is take a few pics and money rains on you”. It doesn’t work that way. It’s real work. It’s hard work. It’s mental effort. It can take a toll. Please respect it. Value it. Pay for it.

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