I have always been kinky but it’s only recently when I started advertising as a kinky London escort offering both submission and domination. It has been in my mind since pretty much the same time I started being sexual. I tried to explore it, of course, but the result was disastrous. Why was there such a huge gap between my fantasies and reality?

It may seem simple and obvious now but it took me years to realize and understand the nature of fantasies. My new plans for exploring them further made me write this, actually.

Let’s set a simple example. There’s this trope that “many women have rape fantasies”. It’s statistically true, but it doesn’t mean women wish to be raped. A fantasy is a fantasy, and consensual non-consensual play requires way more than just desiring it. As any other fantasy does, but let’s just pick this one because I actually have it too.

I have been mentally battling this fantasy, and all my other submissive ones, for years. I felt there was a dissonance between my desires and reality, that I really didn’t want to be raped (I don’t!!). But why were they still there? Why did I masturbate to that over and over?

I recently saw a good analogy on this. Just because some people love the thrill of watching a very scary crime movie it doesn’t mean they would enjoy being shot at or stalked until death. This is quite easy to understand, but when it comes to expressing sexual fantasies then some people think that if you have one it means you want it to happen in real life the same way.

Inside your mind you keep control of everything and you can stop the fantasy at any given moment, change it and safely enjoy it because nothing happens in reality. But if you try to mimic it with someone else who is not inside your mind, you lose that control over it. This is what has been happening to me through the years when I didn’t fully understand this point. Why didn’t I enjoy my fantasies when translating them into reality? Because those people were not in my mind. And this is where it can get dangerous.

My fantasy in their mind was different because it collided with theirs. Even when we share fantasies, the little details make the most of it in the end. I can fantasize about getting my hair pulled but in real life that can hurt and therefore bring my mood down because pain is something I may not want in that fantasy. Pain didn’t exist in the fantasy and it was safe. That’s a small example but kind of explains it well. If the people you are sharing your fantasy with don’t understand consent well this can turn nasty quickly.

But how do I get my fantasies realized if there’s this gap between them? Well, for some I can do decaffeinated versions of it and so far has worked great and for some others I will just enjoy them for what they are and now that I have accepted that they feel even better.

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